Speak to yourself like someone you care about.

What If You Spoke to Yourself Like Someone You Loved?

If someone you cared about came to you feeling defeated, what would you say?

Perhaps they had tried to make a change and it had not gone to plan. Perhaps they had made a mistake. Perhaps they had fallen back into an old habit they thought they had left behind.

Would you tell them they were useless? Would you remind them of every other time they had got it wrong? Would you tell them they clearly did not want it enough, had no willpower, or might as well give up?

Probably not. You would listen. You might remind them how far they had already come. You might help them understand what happened. You would probably encourage them to try again.

Yet, so often, the conversation we have with ourselves sounds very different. We speak to ourselves in ways we would never dream of speaking to someone we love. Somewhere along the way, many of us have learned to believe that being hard on ourselves will make us change. That criticism will motivate us. That shame will somehow make us do better next time. Shame rarely creates lasting change. Real, sustainable change is far more likely to come from curiosity than criticism.

Instead of: “Why do I always do this?” What if the question became:“What happened there?” Instead of: “I have ruined everything.” What if it became: “That did not go the way I wanted. What can I learn from it?”

That is not making excuses. It is not avoiding responsibility. In fact, I think it is quite the opposite. It is taking responsibility without attacking yourself in the process.

One of the questions I sometimes ask in coaching is: If someone you loved came to you with exactly your problem, what would you say to them? It is amazing how quickly we can find wisdom, compassion and perspective when we are offering it to somebody else. Perhaps we deserve some of that from ourselves too. So the next time you notice that critical voice getting louder, stop for a moment and listen to what you are saying.

Then ask yourself: Would I say these words to someone I love?

If the answer is no, perhaps it is time to find a different way to speak to yourself.